Thursday, December 15, 2005

In The Spirit of Finals

Why girls are like finals (courtesy of
  • You'd rather get an easy one.
  • You get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.
  • If you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.
  • The less they have on them the better.
  • If you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.
  • Nothing about them makes any sense.
  • They just lie there and you have to do all the work.
  • When you are done you get up and leave.
  • Good curves make for a more enjoyable experience.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Xmas Cheers and Jeers

As Christmas nears I am reminded about all of the wonderful things of this time of year. Unfortunately, I am also reminded of the crappy things that go on this time of year. What better way to talk about all of these things than through a long missed cheers and jeers section. In celebration of Ryan's Rants and Raves first Christmas I give you, Christmas 2005 Cheers and Jeers.
  • Cheers to presents - who are we kidding? Yeah, it is nice to give presents to people to make them happy, but everyone loves GETTING presents. There are only two days a year when you can expect presents, Xmas and Birthdays, so whats wrong with trying to get all you can out of it?
  • Jeers to shopping for presents - Actually, the shopping isn't really the bad part, it is all the other people out shopping too. Seriously, I think half the moronic population in the world stays at home until it is time to shop for Christmas presents.
  • Cheers to family - Even though it can be tough to try and remember the name of your second cousin once removed from your mom's side, or to listen to your crazy Aunt "Sally" tell all kinds of off the wall stories, but it is always nice to get around family and just kind of forget about everything else for a short time. And after all, it only lasts for a day.
  • Jeers to working retail for Xmas - see Jeers above. It's not my fault if there is something you want that is not in stock. If you wait until the week before Christmas to shop, shit is going to be sold out. Period. If I have one more customer come up and tap me on the shoulders, ask me if I am busy (when I clearly am), request for me to walk clear across the store when there is another associate right next to the shit they are looking for, then get mad at me for selling it to some other person who planned ahead in their Xmas shopping, I am probably going to knock them out.
  • Cheers to white Christmas lights - call me old fashioned, but I like it kept simple. White lights that outline your house are enough for me. I guess as I get older and have kids that might change, but for now I just like some simple lights.
  • Jeers to Finals - an inevitable part of the holidays that really put a damper on the beginning of any celebration.
  • Cheers to the Grinch - Rumor has it that last year on Christmas day his heart grew 4 sizes. This year he has been an excellent donor to the Angel Tree Network, and Toys For Tots. A great comeback story for people of all ages.
  • Jeers to Christmas in October - or November. I love Christmas as much as the next person, but when retail stores start having Xmas sales before Halloween, or people start putting up Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving, I really have a problem with that. There are dates on the calendar for these holidays for a reason. Celebrate them in order. The few exceptions to this rule is my birthday (everyone should celebrate me all year around), 4th of July (there is never a bad time to blow stuff up), and St. Patrick's Day (am I crazy for seeing little green leprechaun's all year?). Each one of the aforementioned holidays are acceptable to celebrate all year 'round.
  • Cheers to Santa Claus - some kid in third grade told me there was no Santa. Well, Joey, if there is no Santa, how come I get presents under the tree from him every year? Have you ever seen the movie the "Miracle on 34th Street"? It's a biography. Santa is real, his presents are real, his reindeer are real, and his elves are real. You will never convince me otherwise.
  • Jeers to "A Christmas Story" - Every year that dumb movie plays all day long on Christmas. Here's a break down of the plot. Some dumb kid gets his tongue stuck to a pole and shoots himself with a BB gun. I think after 20 years, we can stop playing that movie on repeat.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Friday, December 02, 2005

All I Want For Christmas

Now that Thanksgiving is over, we all can start focusing on Christmas. (I really have a problem with people who start celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving is even completed.) I would say Christmas ranks about fifth on my list of favorite holidays, preceded by my birthday, Halloween, the Fourth of July, and St. Patrick's day. There has always been close competition with xmas for that coveted top five favorite holidays list from Arbor Day, Presidents' Day, Cinco de Mayo, New Year's Eve, the whole black heritage month, and pretty much any last day of the semester. A little secret as to why Christmas has been able to keep its top five ranking again this year - Presents!

Now, let's all be honest. When people say, "Christmas is all about giving", or some variation of that, I really just want to say horse crap. Christmas is all about GETTING presents. I love them. You love them. I know for me to get presents someone has to give them to me, and for that I am thankful. But seriously, I really like getting presents more than I like giving them. So, in the spirit of getting presents, I have compiled a list of presents I want this holiday season (you can click onthe link to see what retailer near you carries them). Oh, and don't worry if they wont fit under the tree. Just leave me a little card under there to tell me where I can get the big, kick-ass present. The moment you have all been waiting for. Drum roll please....

  • Phillips 42" flat panel HDTV. Seriously, this would be a great spacesaver for my apartment. Just trying to make the most out of the room I have.
  • Sony Home Theater System. My ears are very sensitive to crappy sounds. I can only have the best quality sounds around me lest I go deaf at a young age.
  • La-Z-Boy Couch. A way to decompress after a long, hard day at work. The less stressed I am, the happier everyone else is.
  • Margarita Machine. Just incase my new couch doesn't de-stress me enough.
  • Poker Table. Think of it this way, instead of going out and wasting my money at a bar or some other entertainment establishment, I can stay home and make money.
  • Suzuki GSX-R600 (black). Well, I guess it doesn't have to be black, but that is my preference.
  • Arcade Game System. This thing is freakin badass. 'Nuff said.
There is more, but since it is still a little ways away from Christmas, I will save the rest for later. Oh, and if you find yourself having a hard time deciding between which of these gifts to give me, I will always take cash, or answer any questions you my have in helping to make your gift giving decision easier. Happy Holidays!