Monday, September 18, 2006

Crap - seriously...well almost

There I was in my Ad Media class this morning, minding my own business in the last row. Trying to look alert when in the back of my mind I would obviously rather be in bed. Then it hit me. A gurgle, churn, and slight boil in my stomach. I could feel it coming on. A fart. Not just a fart, but a flatulence with a vengence. Based on my diet from the weekend (20oz steak, chicken, mashed potatoes, spinach, cinnamon-apple desert type thing, bananas, numerous alcoholic beverages, and a huge bag of jelly-beans) I could tell this would be more than a normal fart.

But what was I to do? I certainly couldn't hold it in - I would start to blow up like the little boy in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yet, if I let it out I would, without a doubt, clear the back row - if not the whole room. I haven't been put in a position where such a hard decision had to be made in a long time.

My solution? The one-cheek-sneak. A simple manuever where I would slightly and discreetly lift my left cheeck off the chair and slowly let the mass of methane make its way into the air - hopefully not smelling, or getting blamed on the blonde chick sitting next to me.

Time to execute....cheeck up...a little abdominal push...and...crap. Well almost. I was about 1 millimeter away from letting out a shart. Yeah, would've sucked. Luckily, my butt muscles rival those of a sculpted Mr. Universe so I was quickly able to recover - and though no mass actually escaped, I do think a tiny amount of liquid did. Things could have been a lot worse.

The smell was rancid, but class let out shortly thereafter and I don't think many people noticed...and if they did, they would have obviously thought it to be the blonde next to me.

Whew. Escaped a close one. I am still alive to tell the tale, and I think I learned from my experience - don't EVER mix spinach, cognac, and jelly beans. It's a recipe for disaster.


At 9:26 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Wow. Gag.

At 10:15 PM, Anonymous zach said...

hahahahaha....i hate farting with out confidence.

Oklahoma got robbed btw... and the TCU game was amazing( the stadium was so packed).

At 10:23 PM, Anonymous ali said...

spinach gives you ecoli (spelling?) now apparently so you shouldn't eat it anyways! you're not popeye! and i'm in agreement with your hot lady, gag.

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Mom said...

I apologize Heather, I did raise him better.


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